Doing the CLEAN detox

Day One of Alejandro Jungers "Clean" detox. I am sick of always getting sick with cold after cold and gastros and never feeling 100%. Have decided whilst hubby is overseas and I don't have to cook for him I would get in there and see if I could help myself or at least give me body a fight chance to try and recover itself. Since my spinal surgery I have just not been right. It is just a constant niggle inside of me.

Anyway I will journal my experiences here each day so I have a record of my epic attempt. Usually I last about a day on anything like this, so I am pleased to have made it past dinner at this point without caving in. If you read One Green Generations blog (sorry still not worked out the whole linking thing) she has done this and blogged it and was the inspiration to finally do it.

So here goes - Day One of 21.

Menu, still using up a bit of stuff from the fridge so will have the occasional BAD thing. On the not allowed list which is way too long for my likings is sugar, dairy, honey, chocolate, butter, oats and caffeine along with loads of other stuff, which I will put on here soon.

B'fast: Quinoa with fruit and nuts. Did contain some milk and honey.

Lunch: Fruit crumble. Did contain some sugar.

Dinner: Green power juice.

Snacks: 4 squares of chocolate, 1 nectarine, handful of nuts (brazil & walnut)

Drinks: not enough water, some fresh lemon verbeena tea.

Comments : Feeling hungry. Doing more the elimination than the full on 21 day diet. Well that was the intention, but once I eliminated the danger foods that was a lot of my diet anyway so may as well start the 21 day detox. Feel thirsty. I have already got thrush which seems odd because I have not eaten any baked items using yeasts for over a year. I took photos yesterday afternoon of myself to compare later, but I have not weighed myself because I don't own scales, I just go with the feels tight/feels loose method of weight management.

Even though it has been a wet cold day I have not needed to eat a hot meal tonight, which is one thing I thought I was going to miss.

Shopping bill was huge and I did not go for organic fruit and veg, but everything else was organic. Some things will be staples and last a while like the agave syrup, others I will need to replace very soon, like the nuts. The ginger in the juice seems to keep me warm without having a hot cooked meal. Feel good after drinking it. Not sure if I am supposed to drink the whole lot or if it is 2 servings worth? Find the lemon too full on and the spinaches too bitter.

Wellbeing monitor: feeling good, have energy, hands itching and sore, no afternoon exhaustion.

Other stuff: Meditation in the morning for 20 mins.

Meds: am only took 1 dose of Norflex

Feeling a bit headachey tonight, am going to try and get to sleep early. It is a sort of a hint of a headache, rather than an actually one, but I don't really get them, so I want to avoid it if possible, as I hate them. I think am probably going to suffer a little less than most people because I don't drink caffeine drinks anyway, don't eat gluten based foods and drink a moderate amount of water per day anyway. But I am really missing the most of all my comforter item- hot decaf tea with milk and 2 sugars. SOB!!

Am hoping to do juice tomorrow morning for b'fast, but have a feeling might land up heading desperately for the quinoa to get some substance and chewing action. Day one and I already miss chewing – arghghhg. SOOO looking forward to salmon and veg for lunch tomorrow.

Finished eating at 7am, so can get a clean 12 hours in before food tomorrow. Very happy about that. Another reason to go to bed early to avoid the hunger pangs and missing food yummy food.

Altogether not a bad attempt. I am probably going to make a whole day, which is probably a record for me. I will hopefully be able to go into a little more depth about the detox program tomorrow so you can understand how limited I am feeling in food choices and to fill you in on the large amounts of green juices you need to consume.

Same old same old

Not much has changed for me recently. But at the same time a lot has. I have been very busy moving forward with getting ready to list my farm for sale. Going through all the cupboards getting rid of EVERYTHING. Takes sooo much time, but is also mildly addictive just shedding loads and loads of STUFF.

My pain is manageable, have good days and not so good days.

I painted a room that was desperate for a lick of paint to bring it some life again. I was pretty happy with that, painting a room felt like such an achievement. I am taking it slowly and carefully as I am aware that if I overdo it I could pay dearly for weeks.

I got gastro - that was great (not) and am not going to waste any time on reliving that memory.

I have started a new therapy, a muscle therapy that does deep tissue massage. It is PAINFUL, and I even hit the therapist TWICE when he massaged too hard and I was desperate to stop the pain. Not the sort of pain like the back pain, a whole different pain, still hurts, but there is a good hurt at the end of the ordeal. Came away feeling bruised and exhausted. Did not make any difference to my general pain levels or posture etc, but apparently you have to have at least 4 treatments for it to work. I don't write anything off until I have done it for at least a month - 6weeks, as somethings take some time to adjust to. So fingers crossed this works for me and then I will be flying a plane accross the world advertising for this practise. I have met several people who were due to have the spinal fusions and avoided them after seeing this guy, so I am just praying and begging and sending out every vibe possible to the universe that this is the miracle cure for ME TOO.

I have met enough people through the years to see that miracle cures do happen, I have also had enough conventional therapies/medicines and alternative and just down right weird therapies to also know to take it with a pinch of salt. Give it a go and HOPE, but my expectations remain reasonably neutral until the day I am able to jump with joy and cry Miracle Cure myself.
I remain open and positive always and just hope that this is IT for me and it is MY TURN and I can go on with my life painfree and "normal".

The only really NOT same old same old, has been my husband letting me know he is moving to Singapore for 6 months!!! Hmmm!! He will do 3 weeks there and 1 week home. I have a 6 year old ADHD child and a 10 year old with Fragile X syndrome, being abandoned for 3 weeks of each month is not sounding like something I really really want to do to myself (esp when I am not in peak health - even closely). But it is work and you have to go where the work is these days of the GFC. So we will get by. I am the ultimate "coper", so I will just adjust and cope and of course pray extra hard that all will be good with my health for the next 6 months, and that the kids behave. I said to my husband as long as he realises that the 1 week he is home HE GETS THE KIDS. As by then I will be needing a sanity check. I really admire the partners and families of those in the defence forces, having to be sole carer for months on end without that week break each month AND also knowing that their hubby or partner is in a hostile war torn environment. I would never make it as an army wife.

But I am getting on with my life and so that feels positive. It is down to me to get this place on the market, down to me to be sole carer for my children, down to me to make sure i look after myself and stay healthy. So I have got a lot on my plate, whihc is kind of good, as being really really busy keeps my mind focused on things other than how shitty I am feeling and why did this restricted and painful life have to become mine.

So as the saying goes -"same same, but different". Least my life does not get boring hey!

Busy and PAIN FREE

Have been busy and enjoying myself. I would say the cortisone jabs are in full swing, I seem to be off painkillers, I tried to come off the muscle relaxants too, but that did not work. I felt the twinges and thought NO I do not want to be in pain, so I am staying on them. Nice not to be popping painkillers ever 4 hours though.

I have backed off my exercise regime a little as I found the swimming was aggravating my back. So have decided to just walk for now. I am walking 5 days a week and doing my land based exercises 6 days a week. Having Sundays off. I find hot baths still really helpful and also taking a few short rests (lying down) during the day helps. Helps not only my back, but to have a 5 min rest and a quick read has been a lovely break in my day mentally too.

I have continued to shed kilos and kilos of STUFF. It is the biggest declutter I have ever done. It is taking soooooo long, but it is refreshing and I am horrified at the stuff I have burdened myself with over the decades. Every single mark on a page by my kids, every single receipt, hundreds of articles and good ideas to read and incorporate into my life (that NEVER ever happened), loads of started but unfinished craft projects and lots of broken things to be repaired. I know that reduce reuse recycle is an important mantra to live by these days, but I admit I just threw it all in the bin, if they haven't been fixed in the last few years the chances are they never will be.

I have to tackle my kids toys, but each time I glance over the play room I just cannot bring myself to go in there and take on that challenge. It is so overwhelming and the arguements we will have over each item is more than enough to put me off. So I am skirting around doing each space and leaving the hard one until the end. I know you are no supposed to do that, but I am.

I am one of those people everyone gives their stuff too. "Lisa will make use of this" they think, so I land up as everyones recycling centre. I do wear their clothes and use their stuff, but I am going to have to get better at saying NO. I have never liked that word, thats my problem, I say yes to everything. Doing stuff and taking stuff and then I feel overwhelmed - hmmmmm! Everyone's generosity has probably saved me thousands of dollars over the years, half my clothes and half our furniture has been given to us. But now is the time for me to say do I LOVE this item. I want to have things I love around me now, I want to feel nurtured by my environment not overwhelmed by it.

No Spend February has been great for us too. I have bought the odd snack for the kids here and there and hired a DVD or two, but really our expenditure this month has been hugely reduced. But the only way to win this consumer battle is to be prepared. I have to bake and pack snacks and drinks in the car every day or I will land up buying something. Our timetable on activities changed this year, so not being stuck out anywhere around a meal time has also halved the amount of McDonalds we will eat. We only had a take out 1 night a week so it was never extravagant, but now we are down to once a fortnight - much better!

Next month is the Real Food Challenge. I used to be the make everything from scratch person, but these days, standing in a kitchen, kneeding, whipping etc tends to set off my back, so I have purchased more and more pre-made items and our diet has deteriorated. Seeing as the medications are helping me to live a "normal" life again, I am going to attempt to ease myself back into having a cooking day, or maybe more sensibly for my pain levels would be 2 mornings a week or something. Lets see how I do next month. I am learning my limits all the time, it is trial and error and as medications change I continue to do the trial and error routine.

Have no idea what the challenge is going to be for April, probably just "sell this house month".

By the time we leave here, all the jobs we meant to do and were on our wish list to make this place really sing would have been done. It will be our dream place and yet we will be selling it. Such a shame. Next time we buy, I am going to get the place painted and a garden helper booked in in the first week, so we will actually reap all the benefits of making our dream place and live it, rather than rush it all at the end and sell having never lived it. I know this is the case for almost everyone, but the next little phase of our lives I would really like to take the things I have learnt and actually PRACTISE them. No there's a concept!

Things like buying a smaller place, and a cheaper place, and having savings and having time to be ill or have a holiday and not have to worry ALL THE TIME.

So happy and pain free and living a "normal"life. As normal as I can make it, because these days I have a NEW kind of normal that I continually adjust to.

I am pain free and so so grateful for this time I am getting. I don't care how long or short it is going to be, I am just enjoying it whilst I can.

I don't want to be defined by my illness

Today I was chatting to a friend whose teenage daughter has been incredibly sick. They are testing for celiacs disease, lupus and a whole heap of awful disorders with bizarre names. She is so worried because her daughter is due to move 100km away next week for university. She has begged her daughter to stay home and defer for a while until they at least know what is wrong with her. She is being rushed to emergency at least twice a week at the moment. The response from her daughter totally struck a cord with me and got my mind racing.

She said "I am really sick and scared and fed up and angry and so many things, but I want to be something other than just sick, so by going to uni, I am a sick uni student rather than just sick." When you are so sick or in pain or whatever, you do almost become defined by your illness or disability. A nice label for yourself so you can explain about yourself to other people. But you are so much more than just that label. I know this from all the times when I introduce my son who has a genetic disorder that makes him intellectually disabled, to everyone I meet. I introduce him as Elliot my autistic son. That way people know where to place him and feel more inclined to ask me questions rather than just stare at him and try and find a way to ask me what is wrong with him. The thing is Elliot is not even autistic, he has Fragile X Syndrome, but people understand autism and feel safe with that label. But for the last 10 years of my life I have hated having to label him to everyone to make them feel better. I often wonder if Elliot hates not just being labeled - "wonderful Elliot" instead of "Elliot my autistic son". I am sure if he could find the language to describe his feelings he would ask me to just introduce him as Elliot FULLSTOP. That is who he is afterall.

But it also made me think about how I present myself to people these days. I have been Lisa the chicken lady for years (because I am a freerange egg farmer) and Lisa and eggs just seem to fit in the same sentence with me. But now more and more people know me as Lisa with the bad back who is always ill, and at home I am Mum who can never do anything because of her back.

I am sooooo much more than that. I am a stresser and worrier. I am terrible with money and impulsive. I love food. I love gardening, I am passionate about clean healthy food and farming methods, I feel at my happiest when in my veggie garden pottering with seedlings and weeds. inspecting bugs. I am doing all kinds of things at the moment, I am learning masses about nutrition and exercise, I am doing the February NO BUY month, which has been amazing and could not be better timed for our situation. I am a horder that has suddenly had an "aha" moment and am ebaying anything that is not bolted to the floor right now. I cannot describe the elation and relief of shedding kilos and kilos of stuff and paperwork and more paperwork, and remenants of fabric and papers for craft projects. I am queen of unfinished projects and false head starts. I am not just Lisa with a bad back that is ill all the time.

I know that this blog was started as a journal for myself to help get me through a bad time. But I may possibly digress from this subject matter a bit more about things I love and am passionate about. My life, I am passionate about and I want to get more out of it. I want to find a way to move forward. I am sure that with my constant learning, my constant new projects and my passion for growing my own food and being a real cook from scratch person will creep in more. I am more than a bad back, and it was so nice to have my eyes opened to how insular and blinkered I have become since being incapacitated. I am ready (well for today anyway) to emerge back into being more included in living a full life and a life that is true to me and how I want to be.

The phases of pain

I know that grieveing is said to have stages that people go through and not in any particular order until finally they reach acceptance. I don't know if this is the same for illness or pain or sudden disability. But I have been doing a few phases recently and I am always hoping that I do at some stage finally reach acceptance.

Yesterday I did ANGER. I was so mad about all the things I am missing out on, I am so angry at the costs financially, physically and emotionally. I was mad about how my kids are missing out and how I have to talk about myself in the past tense a lot, things I USED to do, when I was able. I was angry that alot of the time I cannot acutally physically go and help myself in hard situations, like load the garbage for the dump into the ute, go out and get a job to help bring in the much needed extra cash etc. I have to ask for help of as many people as possible, and then I have to wait until someone says yes, and then I have to wait for them to fit it in. Not that I want to sound ungrateful, I REALLY do appreciate my friends taking on my extra load in their lives. I hate having to ask and I hate having to wait to get on. So often I am just stuck in limbo land waiting and not being able to action. I feel so frustrated in the twiddling of my thumbs waiting, so I can actually get on with the rest of the job. Hmmmm - I do sound ungrateful. Truely I am VERY grateful for soooo much. The ability to walk, the ability to have my life to live with my children, the support and love of so many people, the ability to have days free of pain, the ability to live in a country where medical options are available to me and at a cost I can afford (well not really, but cheaper than so many other places, and I do have insurance, thank goodness).

Today I am doing exhaustion. I hate anger as it is such a waste of energy and seems to get you nowhere and achieve nothing. Although I know all this, I do still ride through the anger sometimes. And always I am left exhausted. At some point in the day I thought maybe this is acceptance, as I just decided to give up. Then I realised that no. It was not acceptance, it was just exhaustion and a little bit of dispair mixed in. It is okay to feel dispair and despondant and I will probably wake up tomorrow full of drive and feeling great. Who knows what tomorrow brings. But for now it is okay to feel exhausted from the mental obstacle course I put myself through yesterday. It won't be the last time, and I am just looking forward to the fact that I have done anger now and I probably won't be revisiting it for a while again, so yippeee.

Exhaustion also has its place. Sometimes you do have to "accept" that today you will not do all your goals for the day or maybe not even the half of them. But it is good to take some rest too, even if you don't feel like you want to rest. sometimes it is good to just say bugger it and lie down and mope for a while. I could probably have done with a little cry too, but that never came. I find it harder to cry these days, maybe because I realise that - crap so it is many days, I am blessed with what I have and I am grateful for my family and my friends, and to have so much love in my life.

Recharge and start again tomorrow.

It was fun while it lasted

After my last post, did the bubble burst - Hell yeah!

I have loved having a few days pain free and a few days of being me again and a few days being so high on life. Of course it came to an end, but not in a depressing way, just in a realism kind of a way. The pain returned. It is still managable at the moment, but it came back. I did not overdo it or anything like that, as that is the first thing EVERYONE asks. It is nice to be able to lay blame somwhere, but I had some great days and now I am having some harder days. But it is not like being in the BAD zone, where all you can do is try to use your mind to block out the agony and depression.

My hubby bought back some fab cold virius from Papua New Guinea. He shared it with me, and then then he went back to PNG. Of course he just had a runny nose and sore throat for 2 days, I of course got a full blown cold which within 2 days developed into a chest infection, so now I have added to my medical cocktail, 4 more drugs arhghghh.

I dont get it, I eat a healthy diet, I exercise everyday. I am taking supplements and yet I get everything going and twice as bad as anyone else. It is driving me crazy being sick all the time. And the worst thing is tonight when my good friend called me she said - are you sick again! I just felt like the dumb hypocondriac person that people just roll their eyes at. I am bored of listening to myself. I am trying to hide my bad days and constant sickness from people, but it always hits me so hard people only need to see me or hear my voice to know I am sick AGAIN.

I want to change my speak to say all the time to people how great I am and am feeling, maybe some positive and healthy speak will change the vibes I send out, and maybe I wont go down with the next lurgy to hit town.

Anyway I am on antibiotics and puffa's etc so it should all go away soon. I am just praying the boys don't go down with it, as there is nothing worse that being sick yourself and having kids sick at home too to nuture. Tends to put your own healing on hold for a while. Especially when I am alone again to cope this week. I wonder is it true the saying that goes - a cold is your bodies way of telling you, you just cant cope?

Feeling FANTASTIC

Oh I am on such a high today. Not sure if it was the coffee I drank this morning or the fact I am not in pain or the fact I went to the doctors today and it was all good news - for once.

Where to start......

Since making the decision on Valentines day to sell our farm I have felt lighter, the huge load of the sheer volume of work involved in running a farm or that I will be moving to a suburban environment where I will be able to cope better (giving me back some feeling of independance), the fact that we will not have a killer mortgage any more or just the simpleness that we have made a decision so I am feeling we are moving forwards and not just stuck here in nightmare land. All I know is I feel lighter and I have felt pain free since we agreed to sell. Maybe it is all psychosymatic lower back in Louise Hay's book is link with "not feeling supported in life". Who knows, all I know is I feel fantastic. I am sure once the place is sold I will grieve, but for now I am feeling relieved.

I am not a 100% control freak, probably only a 50% control freak. Seeing as I have been so out of control with my physicalness, I have been concentrating on my food. I am strictly a NO DIET zone, I hate anything low fat. I love butter, chocolate and cream. I love all things fat and sugary. BUT once I cut out gluten I found things a little too fatty and too sugary and my diet began to change. During my health review today I could say that the full on exhaustion I felt all the time has gone - I no longer fall alseep when waiting at a red light - yes this is TRUE, it happened to me all the time! I have lost 3 kgs. I have always been 79 or 80kgs for the last 10 years, even when pregnant my weight stayed the same the whole way through both times. I am exercising everyday now to manage my pain and build up some muscle strenght and this is beginning to make me feel energised and now I MISS my daily exercise on the one or two days I find the day has escaped before I could fit it in. My cholesterol is within the normal limits, my bone density is in the normal limits, I need to lose 1kg to be within the weight zone for my age and height, though I am aiming to be smack in the middle and loose another 7kgs. My BMI is 26.6 and is supposed to be 25, but the doctor said the way I am going I will probably have lost that 1point by the end of the year.

The very interesting thing I noticed today was that not having packed a gluten free snack with me today and being really rural and there being NO offerings of something so weird like GF food out in the sticks, I bought myself a chocolate bar and a normal coffee (as again being rural does not have weird city shit like Decaf and soy milk). Within about 5 mins I felt really terrible. I was feeling really hypo like I could jump out of my chair and run 5k's, I was talking 10 to the doz and fidgeting and restless. On the drive home I felt like I was so hypo I was going to stress myself out into a heart attack or something. I realise how in just a few months of being so ill and having focused on trying to make myself better through any way possible (diet and exercise) that although I am often in pain and depressed I actually feel healthy in myself for the first time in decades. I cannot tell you how happy this has made me today. In some ways I have lost so much but in other ways I have given myself a gift and taken a journey as positively as I can. I am enjoying parts of this journey so much, the learning and the feeling better inside. I now look at my kids and realise how much I have done for myself and how great I am feeling (inside myself) and know that I HAVE to do the same for them. I keep telling myself that they are kids their diets will improve in time, they will grow out of their fussiness. But now I am realising that although all that is true and I am leading by example now, I should be a little more proactive in bringing about the change instead of waiting for them to "grow out of it" I am allowing them to be unhealthy and allergic. we do talk alot of health and food choices. I am always honest with my kids and say it how it is, they know all about death from living on a farm, we talk about cancer as many of my girlfriends this year are battling against breast cancer, but I am not walking my talk with them. I am doing it for me, but I am not doing it for them. I know it is going to have to be gentle or I will be pushing against the tide, but I owe it to them and their long lives ahead to make sure I set them up in healthy lifestyle and not just wait for a change that might never come.

I love my children and my husband and I am loving myself and that is feeling so great. Tomorrow might be a hard day again for me, but for NOW I am feeling fantastic and I am going to bask in the delight of feeling fabulous for as long as I possible can.

I hope that today everyone in the world can have a day with no pain and no worry and remember and FEEL what it is like to really love this life we have.

The hidden nightmare of being ill

Most people think that being ill is the worst thing of all. Being constantly in pain, not being able to do normal things when you want to, having to wait all the time and always asking for help.

I have found that there is a whole other side to illness that doesn't seem to come up. The crippling financial strain. It costs so much money to be ill. Doctors, medicines, more medicines, changes in medicines, specialists, scans. The having to pay someone to clean for you each week, pay someone to do your ironig each week, not being able to grow your own food, paying for all kinds of treatments, trying anything a few times out of desperation to be cured and the worst thing - the loss of your wage. I have been unable to work now for 1 year and 2 months and I am not going to be going back to work either for a very long time still.

This means that tonight we have had to talk about selling our farm and moving to the burbs. Not too far away as I need my specialists and facilities and most importantly MY SUPPORT NETWORK, and of course the kids school and friends. As life is hard for them when I am bad and cannot play with them or take them places, they need the stability and security of having friends around them, that are also willing to take them off for sleepovers when I am in a bad way and hubby is overseas. One the one hand I long to be close enough to crawl to a shop or doctors surgery instead of the 30kms drive to even get a a carton of milk, and on the other hand I love my farm and my animals, all the plants I have planted and all the soil improvements I have done by hand. My dreams are all here, yet I cannot tend to the land or the animals alone any more and I cannot plant plants anymore. So I know that the right decision is to release the land to someone who will use it properly again, as arrable land is as precious as gold in these days of endangered food supply chains.

This is the cost of my spine, it is taking some of my dreams away, it is placing strains on my poor hard working hubby who doesn't get a break for 5 mins because he is supporting this very expensive spine. I am angry about what it has taken from us, but at the same time I feel blessed to have had this lifestyle and how it enriched us all and blessed as well that I have a choice. And, that we can get back to not living day by day waiting for something to bounce, and having a smaller place that I can manage. Maybe this will give me a little more independance again, moving to a more manageable lifestyle. One thing I know is a new phase is coming for us, not in a hurry, but it is slowly coming for us, and our lives continue to evolve and I continue to find ways to live and manage with the hand I have been dealt, and I will continue to do it with gratitude as things could be worse. We have one another and we are a family that is in love, and our home is where we are, not what I see around me everyday, though I will miss the view I love - over the rolling paddocks. Everyday I look out my kitchen window and marvel at how beautiful it is and how much I love it here, I have NEVER once got bored of this view. But I will carry that with me to where ever I go. It is one of my beautiful moments of my life captured forever in my memory.

As the sun rises and pushes its fingers through the trees over the grass and the steam rises from the earth. Heaven.

One unthinking movement

I was doing so well today. I got stuff done, I was in a ahppy mood. I didn't have to be anywhere. it was a lovely lazy weekend day. I was pain free, not even a niggle. It was fantastic.

I got to 5pm and then a natural reaction was to bend to pick something up. Usually I have a constant niggle or a constant pain, so I would not dream to bend over. I always move my body in a way that I think about every move I make, because pain is usually my constant guide and companion. It was sort of great to be so natural in bending over, but the second I did it, I felt the twange and thought - "why the bloody hell did you just bend over like that you idiot", but it was too late. I had twanged and was instantly worried and depressed about what the next few days or months might hold just from one silly move.

I went straight to bed to rest it, I put my brace on for the rest of the evening when I was moving about and I moved slowly and more thoughtfully (like I usually do) and I have done my exercises and stretches etc and so far I think I am okay. I am annoyed at myself for being so silly and ruining a perfect day. I seem to spend alot of my time annoyed at myself since i have these injuries.

But I am feeling okay and to make sure I am having a hot bath tonight and I will pray I sleep well and when I wake in the morning I am praying I will not be paying for my lapse of attention.

I miss the days I did not need to think about the way I moved. That I could move abundantly and without care at any speed, that I could curl up on the sofa, not sit up propped with pillows with supports etc. But at the same time I can also appreciate how sometimes the pain is actually keeping me safe, but reminding me I have to care about the way I move. I cannot throw my body around with abandon anymore I have to care and nuture it all the time.

I have been at the bottom of the pile for care and nuturing for so long, which I think just comes naturally when you turn into a parent. But it is nice to have to put me first sometimes and really nice to be on an equal footing with the rest of the family. We all need to care for ourselves and nuture ourselves, just as much as we do one another.

That is a lesson I am learning everyday. That and patience, which has never been my thing.

Doing well

I continue to do well. I am having less and less pain. I did the usual mistake I make and thought I am feeling good so I will start to cut down my meds. Of course the next day I was hobbling around. I never learn, once you have got yourself to a manageble state it does not mean you are well, it means that the dosage of the meds has been reached and so you can live comfortably. But I HATE meds and I desperately want to get off them.

I saw my Doctor yesterday and when I asked what longterm solution was availbale to me, she gave me another prescription for a much harsher pain killer and said start on these on small doses and when you have been on them for about a month we will up to the normal dosage.

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - this is NOT what I want to do at all. I dutifully brought the meds home with no intention of starting them until I am in enough pain to make me.

MY long term strategy is to build up my muscles, do stretching exercises and relaxation (ie meditation) and see if I can help myself.

I am booked into a special back class for the next 8 weeks with my physio and I am seeing an accupuncturist to help me with the pain. Both I which I find helps alot, but I am looking for a cure, I am looking to feel "normal" again. As far as I am concerned I am only half way through my life, I don't want to spend the next 40+ years in pain and limited and I am going to try everything I can to help myself. I know your body cannot heal when in pain, so I am using medication to keep the pain at bay whilst I concentrate on getting strong. I have the full intention of being well and pain free by the end of the year. I think I can do it, I am hoping my mind is also managing to convince my body that this is true too.

My husband is finally home for the weekend only and then off he goes again, but I am going to use this weekend to take a bit of a rest and recover again, before going back into lone parent and lone farmer mode all over again.

Can't wait for the weekend! Can't wait to have my hubby home for a chat and a cuddle. Just to have some support around and it is not just me holding the fort makes such a difference. I admire any single parent out there that is shouldering the burdens of raising a family alone, especially if they are sick too.

I recognised myself again

Well I had 4 days pain free all in a row. It was AMAZING. I actually recognised myself, or who I am when I am not in pain. I was able to deal with the kids without yelling at them, I did not plan my day around getting home as soon as possible incase I got the stage where I don't think I can support myself for 1 minute longer.

I cannot tell you how heavenly those few days have been and what a relief to know that "I" am still in there under the mask of pain and limitation. It has given me such a boost to my morale and ability to cope.

I have regressed to pain again today, but that is okay. I know that I can have pain free days again. It was just sooooo nice to be me, I actually like me and think I should be able to keep it up for a little while longer until I am ground down again to becoming the grump in the bed with zero tollerance and no sense of humour.

I did also get a great book by Paul McKenna that I think I mentioned before. That has also helped me to change my focus a little and to think from a different angle and become happier in myself. We have soooo many stresses going on in our lives at the moment, that it is a miracle I have been able to think positively at all. Seeing as my body is not willing to be trained to do what I want again, I can at least work on training my mind to keep me going forward.

Anyway I am going to take it easy tonight, get to bed early after a hot bath and PRAY that tomorrow I can be given the gift of another pain free day. I even got myself a girlie movie to watch tonight so I can relax.

I am watching Eat Pray Love. I saw it at the movies when it came out with my girlfriends and loved it. I am one of the very FEW people that seemed to have loved the book and the movie. My husband keeps telling me I am almost completely alone in the world for appreciating it and that all the reviews talked of a self absorbed and depressing overly emotional female writing her personal crap and then Julia Roberts is a naff actress in a naff film. But I did not find it depressing at all, I found it liberating and wish soooo much that I could also be as self absorbed enough to just get up and go travelling like she did to get the crap out of her system. If only I could be sure a year of travelling around could take away my pain, I would be the happiest person in the world. I have to admit that I like Julia Roberts too, I think I might be alone in that too.

I would go to Mongolia, Cuba, Bolivia and Italy. I lived in Rome for 4 years when I was a teenager and I don't think I could ever get bored of Italy it is so beautiful.

I continue to hope and dream. I am determined to not loose "me" again and to get myself to a point where the possibility of travel could become a reality for me.

On another positive point I lost 3kgs this month just from walking and swimming everyday. Amazing what exercise can do for you. I actually have a waist again - yeay!!!

Euphoria

Have had a pain free day!

After my cortisone jabs I had a very bad run with not a lot of relief and was beginning to despair that it was not going to work. But after my physio told me to lay off the exercise regime for a day I did and have been enjoying a day with little to no pain. I cannot even begin to describe the joy of this. For 1 day to feel "normal". So now I am going to do my stretches daily, my swimming alternate days with hopefully a walk on the other days and rotate my strenght building exercises every day and see if I get more relief this way. I even stood in my kitchen all evening and cooked - heaven.

Very happy today and so grateful for a reprieve from pain.

Days when a Positive Mindset is Impossible

Today is one of those days. Woke up fine, most of the day I was fine. Then at 2pm I had cortisone injections into L3. I have had the injections in L1 before and the improvement was almost instant.

This was a very uncomfortable proceedure and the afternoon was a horrible level of pain I was just unable to escape. I tried staying in my bed, I did a short walk, I tried sitting. I ate lots of painkillers and I used heat packs. Nada. I could not escape.

I hate myself on these days as I have zero patience with kids, I am bedridden, I feed them crap and sit them in front of DVD's until I can finally send the poor little mites off to bed. This is NOT the person that I am, and although the odd day here and there will not kill them, it is not how I want to be their mother. I am certainly not perfect AT ALL, but I really try to love and nuture to encourage them, to talk of the environment and healthy lifestyles and diets. We talk of diversity, disabilities and how some people live lives of pain and terror, we do craft and cooking, we do walks and then I do days like today where I hate myself and I hate the way their faces show the raw feelings of disappointment that mum is sick AGAIN and AGAIN we are shouted at and told to go away mum is in pain. This is not me, or rather is it ME and I don't want to be this me.

Today out of desperation I bought a book, a Paul Mckenna book something along the lines - How to Change your life in 7 days. I will glad share any revelations I find in the next 7 days!! Really I should be looking for books on how to manage my pain and how to change ME in the next 7 days, not how to transform my life (external elements). I have not started the book yet, that is my project for the next 7 days that hubby is away and doesn't see my reading material and think - not only do I have a useless wife that lays around moaning in pain all day long, she has now gone crackers and is buying self transformation books.

The sad thing is everyone (well everyone I know and meet) do generally absolutely love me, the problem is they loved me as the pain free able bodied person with an energy and vibrancy that used to enter the room before my physical body had entered the room, BUT now they put up with and don't seek out the me that is in pain, that is limited and that needs some emotional bouying, copious amounts of magazines, books and chocolate, adult conversation and a miracle cure for pain and lack of mobility. This saddens me, as I am still the same person, I just cannot be their prop and entertainer anymore and it is funny that you can get discarded when they can no longer tap into my energy and vibrancy to feel good.

My family has never waived in the love support and constant nagging and never ending list of ideas that might help me, and I have 2 best friends that have gone way beyond my imaginings to help me and support me and so although I am disappointed in so many people as a whole, I also feel sooooo honoured to have the very special people around me that have chosen to share my journey with me, despite me being a total pain in the arse and an annoying whinger alot of the time.

So some days like today I have to admit that I am over the pain, over having to live this way and put others through this with me and over not having the life that I want to live. But for all my morose mood I can still see the love fighting to get through the haze of doom I am in today. I am know that tomorrow I will wake up again and my mood will have improved and I am planning to take the kids (pain or no pain) to one of the best parks ever in our area. AND on the way I am going to stay stuff it to my no chocolate ban and buy tonnes of the bloody stuff and gorge - yeay!!!

Positive Mindset

After waking up in pain this morning and just not being able to get rid of it even after walking, swmming and a physio visit. I just resigned myself to sitting and reading a new book from the library and not doing anything on my to do list today. If illness has taught me anything you have to work with your limitations and not push them.

So I began to read Vistoria Hislops "The Return". I read her first book "The Island" and was totally enthralled, and now I have managed to get all my friends hooked on this author. Anyway it is set in Granada Spain. I was reading it and getting a little distressed and jealous of this young lady wandering the streets exploring Granada and was thinking I want to do that, but then the little voice said I could not sit on the flights for that long, I would not be able to walk that long, how would I survive without my physio and pool, I can't go anywhere anymore, sob story sob story. And then I thought to myself NO, I want to travel again (I used to be quite an extensive traveller) so I have given myself a little pep talk, and told myself that I just need to keep going with my rehab programme, I have to train up my muscles and I need to make sure I get a cortisone jab before I leave for another country and I should be able to manage.

I do believe that although not everything can be healed and not everyone can live painfree, but it is the mindset that matters. Most things could be possible with some hard work and a positive outlook. If you tell yourself you cannot do anything anymore, then you wont, but if you say you can get around it and make it happen, then I believe that you can find a way to make some of it happen.

Happy thinking.

Gratitude and Energy

Every morning I roll over and listen to my body, I slowly start the rolling out of bed process and am overwhelmed with gratitude - today I am pain free.

We go out and about and acheive all our tasks on the farm and then out for some fun stuff to keep the kids (therefore ME) sane. I do what I do everyday, begrudgingly, pack swimmers and towels, as no matter where we end up and at what time, at some stage today my hydrotherapy exercises HAVE to be done. If I want to still be walking in the afternoon, if I don't want to see the anger and disappointment on hubbys face later, when he dutifully checks if I have done my programme today, then the pool is not the stop that gets put off any more, something else goes to the back of the list instead. I pray that one day I pack my swimmers because I am just sooo excited to be exercising today!

Then the day is drawing to an end, and cooking must be done for dinners, and this is where ALL my energy comes into play. This is usually my pain time. Anytime from 2pm onwards we could hit rock bottom. Today is that day where the pain creeps in till it forces me into bed. Having to cook in spurts for the 1 or 2 mins I can keep on my feet. All the time praying for the phone to ring to let me know he is on the way home, that I will be rescued soon to retreat to bed whilst he wearily takes over my duties and does the story telling, the snuggling in and kisses. It takes not just physical energy to keep me going, but mental and emotional too. I lie here relieved on the one hand and disappointed and over it on the other hand. Wracking my brain with schemes to fund my disability, manage my disability, over come my disability, cure my pain, become free and independant and FUN again.

There is always tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I will get a full 24hours of freedom and joy. But still I am happy, I had fun with my kids today and I have a loving husband and the pain cannot take that from me.

Why

why did I start this blog? why me? Why? for soooo many things and reasons.

I had my spine fused in May 2010 and I was hoping it would be the miracle cure to terrible pain, disability, emotional dispair, an infringment on my childrens lives and a humungous burden to my poor old hubby who commutes 2 hours to and 2 back from work everyday when he is here that is! to cook clean and childmind whilst hanging onto his sanity by a whisper of a thread.

Alas it was NOT the miracle cure. It cured the agony and being completely bedridden. It gave me a glimpse of normalcy where I could maybe return to chasing the kids like a looney around the deck roaring like a monster pinching their bums as they I caught them up. Normalcy where I could bounce out of bed and spring into action and re-grow my farm after 9 months of watching it drown under weeds and neglect. But it was only a glimpse and it did not happen.

I slowly lumbered into normal life thinking I will get going soon, the doctors wondered why I did not heal, but thought I just needed more time than other people. But now it seems to deterioration to my spine was already too great, and a fusion what not going to help, so not even a year out from the op, the other disks start to bulge and slip and I dispair as I watch my dreams and hopes go and a haze of uncertainty loom.

Now this might all sound so depressing. Which it is. BUT, and there is always a BUT, I don't just lie down and accept this sort of shit (opps, can you swear online? I am a terrible swearer in real life so I appologise in advance that swearing will feature on this blog A LOT). For the one of the first times EVER (other than a blimp in my teenage years at uni) I have crawled out from a depression cloud and said - bugger off (thats not really what I said, but that is the polite way to say my version of what I said, yes it began with an f). And I am getting back on my feet again. I am going to win this.

Now this is not something terrible like cancer, this is an everyday bummer luck thing, but this deeply affects the life of my children (especially as I am usually the sole parent most of the time) so to me this is very serious.

I HATE exercise and I HATE diets and all forms of low fat anything. I loooooovvvve butter and cream and coco pops and chocolate, oooohhhhh loads and loads of chocolate. BUT I have to loose some weight as my spine cannot carry all this around (I am only about 10kgs overweight, but that is 10kgs too much for my back) and I need to make my muscles work again and I have to exercise every day (SCREAM) what, yes every bloody day (SCREAM again).

So for the last 2 weeks I actually have exercised everyday. I have got myself a personal trainer (once a fortnight) as I am also extremely broke) and I have bought a detox book called "Clean" By Dr A Junger which fishpond will hopefully deliver soon, as hubby is away for a month in the USA so I have 1 month to get my shit together and blow him away when he gets back.

I am the Queen, no really I am the absolute hands down queen of queens at starting something and having great ideas, plans and schemes, I am also the absolute queen of failing to follow through. Diets I usually manage till morning tea comes and I have almost chewed a hole through a metal cabinet I locked a bar of chocolate into, exercise programmes I have managed 2 weeks before (only because a friend of mine (who was also my neighbour at the time) was doing it too so I was guilted out all the time to do the bloody exercise program.

So I thought if I put it online and told the world (well my world of one person, as no one is likely to ready my rantings other than me, and maybe my mum out of duty), I might succeed this time. The price is really high this time, exercise and loose 10kgs or be in pain and disabled for the rest of my life - hmmmm, this should not be a hard call, but like I said I hate exercise and diets SO MUCH, yes THIS MUCH that I am virtually unmotivated by anything.

But this is going to change, I hope.

If you read this site and want to spur me along let me know at any time. Would love to hear from anyone.

Thanks for reading the ravings of a middle aged menopausal not able to cope mum.