Why

why did I start this blog? why me? Why? for soooo many things and reasons.

I had my spine fused in May 2010 and I was hoping it would be the miracle cure to terrible pain, disability, emotional dispair, an infringment on my childrens lives and a humungous burden to my poor old hubby who commutes 2 hours to and 2 back from work everyday when he is here that is! to cook clean and childmind whilst hanging onto his sanity by a whisper of a thread.

Alas it was NOT the miracle cure. It cured the agony and being completely bedridden. It gave me a glimpse of normalcy where I could maybe return to chasing the kids like a looney around the deck roaring like a monster pinching their bums as they I caught them up. Normalcy where I could bounce out of bed and spring into action and re-grow my farm after 9 months of watching it drown under weeds and neglect. But it was only a glimpse and it did not happen.

I slowly lumbered into normal life thinking I will get going soon, the doctors wondered why I did not heal, but thought I just needed more time than other people. But now it seems to deterioration to my spine was already too great, and a fusion what not going to help, so not even a year out from the op, the other disks start to bulge and slip and I dispair as I watch my dreams and hopes go and a haze of uncertainty loom.

Now this might all sound so depressing. Which it is. BUT, and there is always a BUT, I don't just lie down and accept this sort of shit (opps, can you swear online? I am a terrible swearer in real life so I appologise in advance that swearing will feature on this blog A LOT). For the one of the first times EVER (other than a blimp in my teenage years at uni) I have crawled out from a depression cloud and said - bugger off (thats not really what I said, but that is the polite way to say my version of what I said, yes it began with an f). And I am getting back on my feet again. I am going to win this.

Now this is not something terrible like cancer, this is an everyday bummer luck thing, but this deeply affects the life of my children (especially as I am usually the sole parent most of the time) so to me this is very serious.

I HATE exercise and I HATE diets and all forms of low fat anything. I loooooovvvve butter and cream and coco pops and chocolate, oooohhhhh loads and loads of chocolate. BUT I have to loose some weight as my spine cannot carry all this around (I am only about 10kgs overweight, but that is 10kgs too much for my back) and I need to make my muscles work again and I have to exercise every day (SCREAM) what, yes every bloody day (SCREAM again).

So for the last 2 weeks I actually have exercised everyday. I have got myself a personal trainer (once a fortnight) as I am also extremely broke) and I have bought a detox book called "Clean" By Dr A Junger which fishpond will hopefully deliver soon, as hubby is away for a month in the USA so I have 1 month to get my shit together and blow him away when he gets back.

I am the Queen, no really I am the absolute hands down queen of queens at starting something and having great ideas, plans and schemes, I am also the absolute queen of failing to follow through. Diets I usually manage till morning tea comes and I have almost chewed a hole through a metal cabinet I locked a bar of chocolate into, exercise programmes I have managed 2 weeks before (only because a friend of mine (who was also my neighbour at the time) was doing it too so I was guilted out all the time to do the bloody exercise program.

So I thought if I put it online and told the world (well my world of one person, as no one is likely to ready my rantings other than me, and maybe my mum out of duty), I might succeed this time. The price is really high this time, exercise and loose 10kgs or be in pain and disabled for the rest of my life - hmmmm, this should not be a hard call, but like I said I hate exercise and diets SO MUCH, yes THIS MUCH that I am virtually unmotivated by anything.

But this is going to change, I hope.

If you read this site and want to spur me along let me know at any time. Would love to hear from anyone.

Thanks for reading the ravings of a middle aged menopausal not able to cope mum.