Feeling FANTASTIC

Oh I am on such a high today. Not sure if it was the coffee I drank this morning or the fact I am not in pain or the fact I went to the doctors today and it was all good news - for once.

Where to start......

Since making the decision on Valentines day to sell our farm I have felt lighter, the huge load of the sheer volume of work involved in running a farm or that I will be moving to a suburban environment where I will be able to cope better (giving me back some feeling of independance), the fact that we will not have a killer mortgage any more or just the simpleness that we have made a decision so I am feeling we are moving forwards and not just stuck here in nightmare land. All I know is I feel lighter and I have felt pain free since we agreed to sell. Maybe it is all psychosymatic lower back in Louise Hay's book is link with "not feeling supported in life". Who knows, all I know is I feel fantastic. I am sure once the place is sold I will grieve, but for now I am feeling relieved.

I am not a 100% control freak, probably only a 50% control freak. Seeing as I have been so out of control with my physicalness, I have been concentrating on my food. I am strictly a NO DIET zone, I hate anything low fat. I love butter, chocolate and cream. I love all things fat and sugary. BUT once I cut out gluten I found things a little too fatty and too sugary and my diet began to change. During my health review today I could say that the full on exhaustion I felt all the time has gone - I no longer fall alseep when waiting at a red light - yes this is TRUE, it happened to me all the time! I have lost 3 kgs. I have always been 79 or 80kgs for the last 10 years, even when pregnant my weight stayed the same the whole way through both times. I am exercising everyday now to manage my pain and build up some muscle strenght and this is beginning to make me feel energised and now I MISS my daily exercise on the one or two days I find the day has escaped before I could fit it in. My cholesterol is within the normal limits, my bone density is in the normal limits, I need to lose 1kg to be within the weight zone for my age and height, though I am aiming to be smack in the middle and loose another 7kgs. My BMI is 26.6 and is supposed to be 25, but the doctor said the way I am going I will probably have lost that 1point by the end of the year.

The very interesting thing I noticed today was that not having packed a gluten free snack with me today and being really rural and there being NO offerings of something so weird like GF food out in the sticks, I bought myself a chocolate bar and a normal coffee (as again being rural does not have weird city shit like Decaf and soy milk). Within about 5 mins I felt really terrible. I was feeling really hypo like I could jump out of my chair and run 5k's, I was talking 10 to the doz and fidgeting and restless. On the drive home I felt like I was so hypo I was going to stress myself out into a heart attack or something. I realise how in just a few months of being so ill and having focused on trying to make myself better through any way possible (diet and exercise) that although I am often in pain and depressed I actually feel healthy in myself for the first time in decades. I cannot tell you how happy this has made me today. In some ways I have lost so much but in other ways I have given myself a gift and taken a journey as positively as I can. I am enjoying parts of this journey so much, the learning and the feeling better inside. I now look at my kids and realise how much I have done for myself and how great I am feeling (inside myself) and know that I HAVE to do the same for them. I keep telling myself that they are kids their diets will improve in time, they will grow out of their fussiness. But now I am realising that although all that is true and I am leading by example now, I should be a little more proactive in bringing about the change instead of waiting for them to "grow out of it" I am allowing them to be unhealthy and allergic. we do talk alot of health and food choices. I am always honest with my kids and say it how it is, they know all about death from living on a farm, we talk about cancer as many of my girlfriends this year are battling against breast cancer, but I am not walking my talk with them. I am doing it for me, but I am not doing it for them. I know it is going to have to be gentle or I will be pushing against the tide, but I owe it to them and their long lives ahead to make sure I set them up in healthy lifestyle and not just wait for a change that might never come.

I love my children and my husband and I am loving myself and that is feeling so great. Tomorrow might be a hard day again for me, but for NOW I am feeling fantastic and I am going to bask in the delight of feeling fabulous for as long as I possible can.

I hope that today everyone in the world can have a day with no pain and no worry and remember and FEEL what it is like to really love this life we have.