The phases of pain

I know that grieveing is said to have stages that people go through and not in any particular order until finally they reach acceptance. I don't know if this is the same for illness or pain or sudden disability. But I have been doing a few phases recently and I am always hoping that I do at some stage finally reach acceptance.

Yesterday I did ANGER. I was so mad about all the things I am missing out on, I am so angry at the costs financially, physically and emotionally. I was mad about how my kids are missing out and how I have to talk about myself in the past tense a lot, things I USED to do, when I was able. I was angry that alot of the time I cannot acutally physically go and help myself in hard situations, like load the garbage for the dump into the ute, go out and get a job to help bring in the much needed extra cash etc. I have to ask for help of as many people as possible, and then I have to wait until someone says yes, and then I have to wait for them to fit it in. Not that I want to sound ungrateful, I REALLY do appreciate my friends taking on my extra load in their lives. I hate having to ask and I hate having to wait to get on. So often I am just stuck in limbo land waiting and not being able to action. I feel so frustrated in the twiddling of my thumbs waiting, so I can actually get on with the rest of the job. Hmmmm - I do sound ungrateful. Truely I am VERY grateful for soooo much. The ability to walk, the ability to have my life to live with my children, the support and love of so many people, the ability to have days free of pain, the ability to live in a country where medical options are available to me and at a cost I can afford (well not really, but cheaper than so many other places, and I do have insurance, thank goodness).

Today I am doing exhaustion. I hate anger as it is such a waste of energy and seems to get you nowhere and achieve nothing. Although I know all this, I do still ride through the anger sometimes. And always I am left exhausted. At some point in the day I thought maybe this is acceptance, as I just decided to give up. Then I realised that no. It was not acceptance, it was just exhaustion and a little bit of dispair mixed in. It is okay to feel dispair and despondant and I will probably wake up tomorrow full of drive and feeling great. Who knows what tomorrow brings. But for now it is okay to feel exhausted from the mental obstacle course I put myself through yesterday. It won't be the last time, and I am just looking forward to the fact that I have done anger now and I probably won't be revisiting it for a while again, so yippeee.

Exhaustion also has its place. Sometimes you do have to "accept" that today you will not do all your goals for the day or maybe not even the half of them. But it is good to take some rest too, even if you don't feel like you want to rest. sometimes it is good to just say bugger it and lie down and mope for a while. I could probably have done with a little cry too, but that never came. I find it harder to cry these days, maybe because I realise that - crap so it is many days, I am blessed with what I have and I am grateful for my family and my friends, and to have so much love in my life.

Recharge and start again tomorrow.