Days when a Positive Mindset is Impossible

Today is one of those days. Woke up fine, most of the day I was fine. Then at 2pm I had cortisone injections into L3. I have had the injections in L1 before and the improvement was almost instant.

This was a very uncomfortable proceedure and the afternoon was a horrible level of pain I was just unable to escape. I tried staying in my bed, I did a short walk, I tried sitting. I ate lots of painkillers and I used heat packs. Nada. I could not escape.

I hate myself on these days as I have zero patience with kids, I am bedridden, I feed them crap and sit them in front of DVD's until I can finally send the poor little mites off to bed. This is NOT the person that I am, and although the odd day here and there will not kill them, it is not how I want to be their mother. I am certainly not perfect AT ALL, but I really try to love and nuture to encourage them, to talk of the environment and healthy lifestyles and diets. We talk of diversity, disabilities and how some people live lives of pain and terror, we do craft and cooking, we do walks and then I do days like today where I hate myself and I hate the way their faces show the raw feelings of disappointment that mum is sick AGAIN and AGAIN we are shouted at and told to go away mum is in pain. This is not me, or rather is it ME and I don't want to be this me.

Today out of desperation I bought a book, a Paul Mckenna book something along the lines - How to Change your life in 7 days. I will glad share any revelations I find in the next 7 days!! Really I should be looking for books on how to manage my pain and how to change ME in the next 7 days, not how to transform my life (external elements). I have not started the book yet, that is my project for the next 7 days that hubby is away and doesn't see my reading material and think - not only do I have a useless wife that lays around moaning in pain all day long, she has now gone crackers and is buying self transformation books.

The sad thing is everyone (well everyone I know and meet) do generally absolutely love me, the problem is they loved me as the pain free able bodied person with an energy and vibrancy that used to enter the room before my physical body had entered the room, BUT now they put up with and don't seek out the me that is in pain, that is limited and that needs some emotional bouying, copious amounts of magazines, books and chocolate, adult conversation and a miracle cure for pain and lack of mobility. This saddens me, as I am still the same person, I just cannot be their prop and entertainer anymore and it is funny that you can get discarded when they can no longer tap into my energy and vibrancy to feel good.

My family has never waived in the love support and constant nagging and never ending list of ideas that might help me, and I have 2 best friends that have gone way beyond my imaginings to help me and support me and so although I am disappointed in so many people as a whole, I also feel sooooo honoured to have the very special people around me that have chosen to share my journey with me, despite me being a total pain in the arse and an annoying whinger alot of the time.

So some days like today I have to admit that I am over the pain, over having to live this way and put others through this with me and over not having the life that I want to live. But for all my morose mood I can still see the love fighting to get through the haze of doom I am in today. I am know that tomorrow I will wake up again and my mood will have improved and I am planning to take the kids (pain or no pain) to one of the best parks ever in our area. AND on the way I am going to stay stuff it to my no chocolate ban and buy tonnes of the bloody stuff and gorge - yeay!!!