One unthinking movement

I was doing so well today. I got stuff done, I was in a ahppy mood. I didn't have to be anywhere. it was a lovely lazy weekend day. I was pain free, not even a niggle. It was fantastic.

I got to 5pm and then a natural reaction was to bend to pick something up. Usually I have a constant niggle or a constant pain, so I would not dream to bend over. I always move my body in a way that I think about every move I make, because pain is usually my constant guide and companion. It was sort of great to be so natural in bending over, but the second I did it, I felt the twange and thought - "why the bloody hell did you just bend over like that you idiot", but it was too late. I had twanged and was instantly worried and depressed about what the next few days or months might hold just from one silly move.

I went straight to bed to rest it, I put my brace on for the rest of the evening when I was moving about and I moved slowly and more thoughtfully (like I usually do) and I have done my exercises and stretches etc and so far I think I am okay. I am annoyed at myself for being so silly and ruining a perfect day. I seem to spend alot of my time annoyed at myself since i have these injuries.

But I am feeling okay and to make sure I am having a hot bath tonight and I will pray I sleep well and when I wake in the morning I am praying I will not be paying for my lapse of attention.

I miss the days I did not need to think about the way I moved. That I could move abundantly and without care at any speed, that I could curl up on the sofa, not sit up propped with pillows with supports etc. But at the same time I can also appreciate how sometimes the pain is actually keeping me safe, but reminding me I have to care about the way I move. I cannot throw my body around with abandon anymore I have to care and nuture it all the time.

I have been at the bottom of the pile for care and nuturing for so long, which I think just comes naturally when you turn into a parent. But it is nice to have to put me first sometimes and really nice to be on an equal footing with the rest of the family. We all need to care for ourselves and nuture ourselves, just as much as we do one another.

That is a lesson I am learning everyday. That and patience, which has never been my thing.