Have been busy and enjoying myself. I would say the cortisone jabs are in full swing, I seem to be off painkillers, I tried to come off the muscle relaxants too, but that did not work. I felt the twinges and thought NO I do not want to be in pain, so I am staying on them. Nice not to be popping painkillers ever 4 hours though.
I have backed off my exercise regime a little as I found the swimming was aggravating my back. So have decided to just walk for now. I am walking 5 days a week and doing my land based exercises 6 days a week. Having Sundays off. I find hot baths still really helpful and also taking a few short rests (lying down) during the day helps. Helps not only my back, but to have a 5 min rest and a quick read has been a lovely break in my day mentally too.
I have continued to shed kilos and kilos of STUFF. It is the biggest declutter I have ever done. It is taking soooooo long, but it is refreshing and I am horrified at the stuff I have burdened myself with over the decades. Every single mark on a page by my kids, every single receipt, hundreds of articles and good ideas to read and incorporate into my life (that NEVER ever happened), loads of started but unfinished craft projects and lots of broken things to be repaired. I know that reduce reuse recycle is an important mantra to live by these days, but I admit I just threw it all in the bin, if they haven't been fixed in the last few years the chances are they never will be.
I have to tackle my kids toys, but each time I glance over the play room I just cannot bring myself to go in there and take on that challenge. It is so overwhelming and the arguements we will have over each item is more than enough to put me off. So I am skirting around doing each space and leaving the hard one until the end. I know you are no supposed to do that, but I am.
I am one of those people everyone gives their stuff too. "Lisa will make use of this" they think, so I land up as everyones recycling centre. I do wear their clothes and use their stuff, but I am going to have to get better at saying NO. I have never liked that word, thats my problem, I say yes to everything. Doing stuff and taking stuff and then I feel overwhelmed - hmmmmm! Everyone's generosity has probably saved me thousands of dollars over the years, half my clothes and half our furniture has been given to us. But now is the time for me to say do I LOVE this item. I want to have things I love around me now, I want to feel nurtured by my environment not overwhelmed by it.
No Spend February has been great for us too. I have bought the odd snack for the kids here and there and hired a DVD or two, but really our expenditure this month has been hugely reduced. But the only way to win this consumer battle is to be prepared. I have to bake and pack snacks and drinks in the car every day or I will land up buying something. Our timetable on activities changed this year, so not being stuck out anywhere around a meal time has also halved the amount of McDonalds we will eat. We only had a take out 1 night a week so it was never extravagant, but now we are down to once a fortnight - much better!
Next month is the Real Food Challenge. I used to be the make everything from scratch person, but these days, standing in a kitchen, kneeding, whipping etc tends to set off my back, so I have purchased more and more pre-made items and our diet has deteriorated. Seeing as the medications are helping me to live a "normal" life again, I am going to attempt to ease myself back into having a cooking day, or maybe more sensibly for my pain levels would be 2 mornings a week or something. Lets see how I do next month. I am learning my limits all the time, it is trial and error and as medications change I continue to do the trial and error routine.
Have no idea what the challenge is going to be for April, probably just "sell this house month".
By the time we leave here, all the jobs we meant to do and were on our wish list to make this place really sing would have been done. It will be our dream place and yet we will be selling it. Such a shame. Next time we buy, I am going to get the place painted and a garden helper booked in in the first week, so we will actually reap all the benefits of making our dream place and live it, rather than rush it all at the end and sell having never lived it. I know this is the case for almost everyone, but the next little phase of our lives I would really like to take the things I have learnt and actually PRACTISE them. No there's a concept!
Things like buying a smaller place, and a cheaper place, and having savings and having time to be ill or have a holiday and not have to worry ALL THE TIME.
So happy and pain free and living a "normal"life. As normal as I can make it, because these days I have a NEW kind of normal that I continually adjust to.
I am pain free and so so grateful for this time I am getting. I don't care how long or short it is going to be, I am just enjoying it whilst I can.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I don't want to be defined by my illness
Today I was chatting to a friend whose teenage daughter has been incredibly sick. They are testing for celiacs disease, lupus and a whole heap of awful disorders with bizarre names. She is so worried because her daughter is due to move 100km away next week for university. She has begged her daughter to stay home and defer for a while until they at least know what is wrong with her. She is being rushed to emergency at least twice a week at the moment. The response from her daughter totally struck a cord with me and got my mind racing.
She said "I am really sick and scared and fed up and angry and so many things, but I want to be something other than just sick, so by going to uni, I am a sick uni student rather than just sick." When you are so sick or in pain or whatever, you do almost become defined by your illness or disability. A nice label for yourself so you can explain about yourself to other people. But you are so much more than just that label. I know this from all the times when I introduce my son who has a genetic disorder that makes him intellectually disabled, to everyone I meet. I introduce him as Elliot my autistic son. That way people know where to place him and feel more inclined to ask me questions rather than just stare at him and try and find a way to ask me what is wrong with him. The thing is Elliot is not even autistic, he has Fragile X Syndrome, but people understand autism and feel safe with that label. But for the last 10 years of my life I have hated having to label him to everyone to make them feel better. I often wonder if Elliot hates not just being labeled - "wonderful Elliot" instead of "Elliot my autistic son". I am sure if he could find the language to describe his feelings he would ask me to just introduce him as Elliot FULLSTOP. That is who he is afterall.
But it also made me think about how I present myself to people these days. I have been Lisa the chicken lady for years (because I am a freerange egg farmer) and Lisa and eggs just seem to fit in the same sentence with me. But now more and more people know me as Lisa with the bad back who is always ill, and at home I am Mum who can never do anything because of her back.
I am sooooo much more than that. I am a stresser and worrier. I am terrible with money and impulsive. I love food. I love gardening, I am passionate about clean healthy food and farming methods, I feel at my happiest when in my veggie garden pottering with seedlings and weeds. inspecting bugs. I am doing all kinds of things at the moment, I am learning masses about nutrition and exercise, I am doing the February NO BUY month, which has been amazing and could not be better timed for our situation. I am a horder that has suddenly had an "aha" moment and am ebaying anything that is not bolted to the floor right now. I cannot describe the elation and relief of shedding kilos and kilos of stuff and paperwork and more paperwork, and remenants of fabric and papers for craft projects. I am queen of unfinished projects and false head starts. I am not just Lisa with a bad back that is ill all the time.
I know that this blog was started as a journal for myself to help get me through a bad time. But I may possibly digress from this subject matter a bit more about things I love and am passionate about. My life, I am passionate about and I want to get more out of it. I want to find a way to move forward. I am sure that with my constant learning, my constant new projects and my passion for growing my own food and being a real cook from scratch person will creep in more. I am more than a bad back, and it was so nice to have my eyes opened to how insular and blinkered I have become since being incapacitated. I am ready (well for today anyway) to emerge back into being more included in living a full life and a life that is true to me and how I want to be.
She said "I am really sick and scared and fed up and angry and so many things, but I want to be something other than just sick, so by going to uni, I am a sick uni student rather than just sick." When you are so sick or in pain or whatever, you do almost become defined by your illness or disability. A nice label for yourself so you can explain about yourself to other people. But you are so much more than just that label. I know this from all the times when I introduce my son who has a genetic disorder that makes him intellectually disabled, to everyone I meet. I introduce him as Elliot my autistic son. That way people know where to place him and feel more inclined to ask me questions rather than just stare at him and try and find a way to ask me what is wrong with him. The thing is Elliot is not even autistic, he has Fragile X Syndrome, but people understand autism and feel safe with that label. But for the last 10 years of my life I have hated having to label him to everyone to make them feel better. I often wonder if Elliot hates not just being labeled - "wonderful Elliot" instead of "Elliot my autistic son". I am sure if he could find the language to describe his feelings he would ask me to just introduce him as Elliot FULLSTOP. That is who he is afterall.
But it also made me think about how I present myself to people these days. I have been Lisa the chicken lady for years (because I am a freerange egg farmer) and Lisa and eggs just seem to fit in the same sentence with me. But now more and more people know me as Lisa with the bad back who is always ill, and at home I am Mum who can never do anything because of her back.
I am sooooo much more than that. I am a stresser and worrier. I am terrible with money and impulsive. I love food. I love gardening, I am passionate about clean healthy food and farming methods, I feel at my happiest when in my veggie garden pottering with seedlings and weeds. inspecting bugs. I am doing all kinds of things at the moment, I am learning masses about nutrition and exercise, I am doing the February NO BUY month, which has been amazing and could not be better timed for our situation. I am a horder that has suddenly had an "aha" moment and am ebaying anything that is not bolted to the floor right now. I cannot describe the elation and relief of shedding kilos and kilos of stuff and paperwork and more paperwork, and remenants of fabric and papers for craft projects. I am queen of unfinished projects and false head starts. I am not just Lisa with a bad back that is ill all the time.
I know that this blog was started as a journal for myself to help get me through a bad time. But I may possibly digress from this subject matter a bit more about things I love and am passionate about. My life, I am passionate about and I want to get more out of it. I want to find a way to move forward. I am sure that with my constant learning, my constant new projects and my passion for growing my own food and being a real cook from scratch person will creep in more. I am more than a bad back, and it was so nice to have my eyes opened to how insular and blinkered I have become since being incapacitated. I am ready (well for today anyway) to emerge back into being more included in living a full life and a life that is true to me and how I want to be.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The phases of pain
I know that grieveing is said to have stages that people go through and not in any particular order until finally they reach acceptance. I don't know if this is the same for illness or pain or sudden disability. But I have been doing a few phases recently and I am always hoping that I do at some stage finally reach acceptance.
Yesterday I did ANGER. I was so mad about all the things I am missing out on, I am so angry at the costs financially, physically and emotionally. I was mad about how my kids are missing out and how I have to talk about myself in the past tense a lot, things I USED to do, when I was able. I was angry that alot of the time I cannot acutally physically go and help myself in hard situations, like load the garbage for the dump into the ute, go out and get a job to help bring in the much needed extra cash etc. I have to ask for help of as many people as possible, and then I have to wait until someone says yes, and then I have to wait for them to fit it in. Not that I want to sound ungrateful, I REALLY do appreciate my friends taking on my extra load in their lives. I hate having to ask and I hate having to wait to get on. So often I am just stuck in limbo land waiting and not being able to action. I feel so frustrated in the twiddling of my thumbs waiting, so I can actually get on with the rest of the job. Hmmmm - I do sound ungrateful. Truely I am VERY grateful for soooo much. The ability to walk, the ability to have my life to live with my children, the support and love of so many people, the ability to have days free of pain, the ability to live in a country where medical options are available to me and at a cost I can afford (well not really, but cheaper than so many other places, and I do have insurance, thank goodness).
Today I am doing exhaustion. I hate anger as it is such a waste of energy and seems to get you nowhere and achieve nothing. Although I know all this, I do still ride through the anger sometimes. And always I am left exhausted. At some point in the day I thought maybe this is acceptance, as I just decided to give up. Then I realised that no. It was not acceptance, it was just exhaustion and a little bit of dispair mixed in. It is okay to feel dispair and despondant and I will probably wake up tomorrow full of drive and feeling great. Who knows what tomorrow brings. But for now it is okay to feel exhausted from the mental obstacle course I put myself through yesterday. It won't be the last time, and I am just looking forward to the fact that I have done anger now and I probably won't be revisiting it for a while again, so yippeee.
Exhaustion also has its place. Sometimes you do have to "accept" that today you will not do all your goals for the day or maybe not even the half of them. But it is good to take some rest too, even if you don't feel like you want to rest. sometimes it is good to just say bugger it and lie down and mope for a while. I could probably have done with a little cry too, but that never came. I find it harder to cry these days, maybe because I realise that - crap so it is many days, I am blessed with what I have and I am grateful for my family and my friends, and to have so much love in my life.
Recharge and start again tomorrow.
Yesterday I did ANGER. I was so mad about all the things I am missing out on, I am so angry at the costs financially, physically and emotionally. I was mad about how my kids are missing out and how I have to talk about myself in the past tense a lot, things I USED to do, when I was able. I was angry that alot of the time I cannot acutally physically go and help myself in hard situations, like load the garbage for the dump into the ute, go out and get a job to help bring in the much needed extra cash etc. I have to ask for help of as many people as possible, and then I have to wait until someone says yes, and then I have to wait for them to fit it in. Not that I want to sound ungrateful, I REALLY do appreciate my friends taking on my extra load in their lives. I hate having to ask and I hate having to wait to get on. So often I am just stuck in limbo land waiting and not being able to action. I feel so frustrated in the twiddling of my thumbs waiting, so I can actually get on with the rest of the job. Hmmmm - I do sound ungrateful. Truely I am VERY grateful for soooo much. The ability to walk, the ability to have my life to live with my children, the support and love of so many people, the ability to have days free of pain, the ability to live in a country where medical options are available to me and at a cost I can afford (well not really, but cheaper than so many other places, and I do have insurance, thank goodness).
Today I am doing exhaustion. I hate anger as it is such a waste of energy and seems to get you nowhere and achieve nothing. Although I know all this, I do still ride through the anger sometimes. And always I am left exhausted. At some point in the day I thought maybe this is acceptance, as I just decided to give up. Then I realised that no. It was not acceptance, it was just exhaustion and a little bit of dispair mixed in. It is okay to feel dispair and despondant and I will probably wake up tomorrow full of drive and feeling great. Who knows what tomorrow brings. But for now it is okay to feel exhausted from the mental obstacle course I put myself through yesterday. It won't be the last time, and I am just looking forward to the fact that I have done anger now and I probably won't be revisiting it for a while again, so yippeee.
Exhaustion also has its place. Sometimes you do have to "accept" that today you will not do all your goals for the day or maybe not even the half of them. But it is good to take some rest too, even if you don't feel like you want to rest. sometimes it is good to just say bugger it and lie down and mope for a while. I could probably have done with a little cry too, but that never came. I find it harder to cry these days, maybe because I realise that - crap so it is many days, I am blessed with what I have and I am grateful for my family and my friends, and to have so much love in my life.
Recharge and start again tomorrow.
Friday, February 18, 2011
It was fun while it lasted
After my last post, did the bubble burst - Hell yeah!
I have loved having a few days pain free and a few days of being me again and a few days being so high on life. Of course it came to an end, but not in a depressing way, just in a realism kind of a way. The pain returned. It is still managable at the moment, but it came back. I did not overdo it or anything like that, as that is the first thing EVERYONE asks. It is nice to be able to lay blame somwhere, but I had some great days and now I am having some harder days. But it is not like being in the BAD zone, where all you can do is try to use your mind to block out the agony and depression.
My hubby bought back some fab cold virius from Papua New Guinea. He shared it with me, and then then he went back to PNG. Of course he just had a runny nose and sore throat for 2 days, I of course got a full blown cold which within 2 days developed into a chest infection, so now I have added to my medical cocktail, 4 more drugs arhghghh.
I dont get it, I eat a healthy diet, I exercise everyday. I am taking supplements and yet I get everything going and twice as bad as anyone else. It is driving me crazy being sick all the time. And the worst thing is tonight when my good friend called me she said - are you sick again! I just felt like the dumb hypocondriac person that people just roll their eyes at. I am bored of listening to myself. I am trying to hide my bad days and constant sickness from people, but it always hits me so hard people only need to see me or hear my voice to know I am sick AGAIN.
I want to change my speak to say all the time to people how great I am and am feeling, maybe some positive and healthy speak will change the vibes I send out, and maybe I wont go down with the next lurgy to hit town.
Anyway I am on antibiotics and puffa's etc so it should all go away soon. I am just praying the boys don't go down with it, as there is nothing worse that being sick yourself and having kids sick at home too to nuture. Tends to put your own healing on hold for a while. Especially when I am alone again to cope this week. I wonder is it true the saying that goes - a cold is your bodies way of telling you, you just cant cope?
I have loved having a few days pain free and a few days of being me again and a few days being so high on life. Of course it came to an end, but not in a depressing way, just in a realism kind of a way. The pain returned. It is still managable at the moment, but it came back. I did not overdo it or anything like that, as that is the first thing EVERYONE asks. It is nice to be able to lay blame somwhere, but I had some great days and now I am having some harder days. But it is not like being in the BAD zone, where all you can do is try to use your mind to block out the agony and depression.
My hubby bought back some fab cold virius from Papua New Guinea. He shared it with me, and then then he went back to PNG. Of course he just had a runny nose and sore throat for 2 days, I of course got a full blown cold which within 2 days developed into a chest infection, so now I have added to my medical cocktail, 4 more drugs arhghghh.
I dont get it, I eat a healthy diet, I exercise everyday. I am taking supplements and yet I get everything going and twice as bad as anyone else. It is driving me crazy being sick all the time. And the worst thing is tonight when my good friend called me she said - are you sick again! I just felt like the dumb hypocondriac person that people just roll their eyes at. I am bored of listening to myself. I am trying to hide my bad days and constant sickness from people, but it always hits me so hard people only need to see me or hear my voice to know I am sick AGAIN.
I want to change my speak to say all the time to people how great I am and am feeling, maybe some positive and healthy speak will change the vibes I send out, and maybe I wont go down with the next lurgy to hit town.
Anyway I am on antibiotics and puffa's etc so it should all go away soon. I am just praying the boys don't go down with it, as there is nothing worse that being sick yourself and having kids sick at home too to nuture. Tends to put your own healing on hold for a while. Especially when I am alone again to cope this week. I wonder is it true the saying that goes - a cold is your bodies way of telling you, you just cant cope?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feeling FANTASTIC
Oh I am on such a high today. Not sure if it was the coffee I drank this morning or the fact I am not in pain or the fact I went to the doctors today and it was all good news - for once.
Where to start......
Since making the decision on Valentines day to sell our farm I have felt lighter, the huge load of the sheer volume of work involved in running a farm or that I will be moving to a suburban environment where I will be able to cope better (giving me back some feeling of independance), the fact that we will not have a killer mortgage any more or just the simpleness that we have made a decision so I am feeling we are moving forwards and not just stuck here in nightmare land. All I know is I feel lighter and I have felt pain free since we agreed to sell. Maybe it is all psychosymatic lower back in Louise Hay's book is link with "not feeling supported in life". Who knows, all I know is I feel fantastic. I am sure once the place is sold I will grieve, but for now I am feeling relieved.
I am not a 100% control freak, probably only a 50% control freak. Seeing as I have been so out of control with my physicalness, I have been concentrating on my food. I am strictly a NO DIET zone, I hate anything low fat. I love butter, chocolate and cream. I love all things fat and sugary. BUT once I cut out gluten I found things a little too fatty and too sugary and my diet began to change. During my health review today I could say that the full on exhaustion I felt all the time has gone - I no longer fall alseep when waiting at a red light - yes this is TRUE, it happened to me all the time! I have lost 3 kgs. I have always been 79 or 80kgs for the last 10 years, even when pregnant my weight stayed the same the whole way through both times. I am exercising everyday now to manage my pain and build up some muscle strenght and this is beginning to make me feel energised and now I MISS my daily exercise on the one or two days I find the day has escaped before I could fit it in. My cholesterol is within the normal limits, my bone density is in the normal limits, I need to lose 1kg to be within the weight zone for my age and height, though I am aiming to be smack in the middle and loose another 7kgs. My BMI is 26.6 and is supposed to be 25, but the doctor said the way I am going I will probably have lost that 1point by the end of the year.
The very interesting thing I noticed today was that not having packed a gluten free snack with me today and being really rural and there being NO offerings of something so weird like GF food out in the sticks, I bought myself a chocolate bar and a normal coffee (as again being rural does not have weird city shit like Decaf and soy milk). Within about 5 mins I felt really terrible. I was feeling really hypo like I could jump out of my chair and run 5k's, I was talking 10 to the doz and fidgeting and restless. On the drive home I felt like I was so hypo I was going to stress myself out into a heart attack or something. I realise how in just a few months of being so ill and having focused on trying to make myself better through any way possible (diet and exercise) that although I am often in pain and depressed I actually feel healthy in myself for the first time in decades. I cannot tell you how happy this has made me today. In some ways I have lost so much but in other ways I have given myself a gift and taken a journey as positively as I can. I am enjoying parts of this journey so much, the learning and the feeling better inside. I now look at my kids and realise how much I have done for myself and how great I am feeling (inside myself) and know that I HAVE to do the same for them. I keep telling myself that they are kids their diets will improve in time, they will grow out of their fussiness. But now I am realising that although all that is true and I am leading by example now, I should be a little more proactive in bringing about the change instead of waiting for them to "grow out of it" I am allowing them to be unhealthy and allergic. we do talk alot of health and food choices. I am always honest with my kids and say it how it is, they know all about death from living on a farm, we talk about cancer as many of my girlfriends this year are battling against breast cancer, but I am not walking my talk with them. I am doing it for me, but I am not doing it for them. I know it is going to have to be gentle or I will be pushing against the tide, but I owe it to them and their long lives ahead to make sure I set them up in healthy lifestyle and not just wait for a change that might never come.
I love my children and my husband and I am loving myself and that is feeling so great. Tomorrow might be a hard day again for me, but for NOW I am feeling fantastic and I am going to bask in the delight of feeling fabulous for as long as I possible can.
I hope that today everyone in the world can have a day with no pain and no worry and remember and FEEL what it is like to really love this life we have.
Where to start......
Since making the decision on Valentines day to sell our farm I have felt lighter, the huge load of the sheer volume of work involved in running a farm or that I will be moving to a suburban environment where I will be able to cope better (giving me back some feeling of independance), the fact that we will not have a killer mortgage any more or just the simpleness that we have made a decision so I am feeling we are moving forwards and not just stuck here in nightmare land. All I know is I feel lighter and I have felt pain free since we agreed to sell. Maybe it is all psychosymatic lower back in Louise Hay's book is link with "not feeling supported in life". Who knows, all I know is I feel fantastic. I am sure once the place is sold I will grieve, but for now I am feeling relieved.
I am not a 100% control freak, probably only a 50% control freak. Seeing as I have been so out of control with my physicalness, I have been concentrating on my food. I am strictly a NO DIET zone, I hate anything low fat. I love butter, chocolate and cream. I love all things fat and sugary. BUT once I cut out gluten I found things a little too fatty and too sugary and my diet began to change. During my health review today I could say that the full on exhaustion I felt all the time has gone - I no longer fall alseep when waiting at a red light - yes this is TRUE, it happened to me all the time! I have lost 3 kgs. I have always been 79 or 80kgs for the last 10 years, even when pregnant my weight stayed the same the whole way through both times. I am exercising everyday now to manage my pain and build up some muscle strenght and this is beginning to make me feel energised and now I MISS my daily exercise on the one or two days I find the day has escaped before I could fit it in. My cholesterol is within the normal limits, my bone density is in the normal limits, I need to lose 1kg to be within the weight zone for my age and height, though I am aiming to be smack in the middle and loose another 7kgs. My BMI is 26.6 and is supposed to be 25, but the doctor said the way I am going I will probably have lost that 1point by the end of the year.
The very interesting thing I noticed today was that not having packed a gluten free snack with me today and being really rural and there being NO offerings of something so weird like GF food out in the sticks, I bought myself a chocolate bar and a normal coffee (as again being rural does not have weird city shit like Decaf and soy milk). Within about 5 mins I felt really terrible. I was feeling really hypo like I could jump out of my chair and run 5k's, I was talking 10 to the doz and fidgeting and restless. On the drive home I felt like I was so hypo I was going to stress myself out into a heart attack or something. I realise how in just a few months of being so ill and having focused on trying to make myself better through any way possible (diet and exercise) that although I am often in pain and depressed I actually feel healthy in myself for the first time in decades. I cannot tell you how happy this has made me today. In some ways I have lost so much but in other ways I have given myself a gift and taken a journey as positively as I can. I am enjoying parts of this journey so much, the learning and the feeling better inside. I now look at my kids and realise how much I have done for myself and how great I am feeling (inside myself) and know that I HAVE to do the same for them. I keep telling myself that they are kids their diets will improve in time, they will grow out of their fussiness. But now I am realising that although all that is true and I am leading by example now, I should be a little more proactive in bringing about the change instead of waiting for them to "grow out of it" I am allowing them to be unhealthy and allergic. we do talk alot of health and food choices. I am always honest with my kids and say it how it is, they know all about death from living on a farm, we talk about cancer as many of my girlfriends this year are battling against breast cancer, but I am not walking my talk with them. I am doing it for me, but I am not doing it for them. I know it is going to have to be gentle or I will be pushing against the tide, but I owe it to them and their long lives ahead to make sure I set them up in healthy lifestyle and not just wait for a change that might never come.
I love my children and my husband and I am loving myself and that is feeling so great. Tomorrow might be a hard day again for me, but for NOW I am feeling fantastic and I am going to bask in the delight of feeling fabulous for as long as I possible can.
I hope that today everyone in the world can have a day with no pain and no worry and remember and FEEL what it is like to really love this life we have.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The hidden nightmare of being ill
Most people think that being ill is the worst thing of all. Being constantly in pain, not being able to do normal things when you want to, having to wait all the time and always asking for help.
I have found that there is a whole other side to illness that doesn't seem to come up. The crippling financial strain. It costs so much money to be ill. Doctors, medicines, more medicines, changes in medicines, specialists, scans. The having to pay someone to clean for you each week, pay someone to do your ironig each week, not being able to grow your own food, paying for all kinds of treatments, trying anything a few times out of desperation to be cured and the worst thing - the loss of your wage. I have been unable to work now for 1 year and 2 months and I am not going to be going back to work either for a very long time still.
This means that tonight we have had to talk about selling our farm and moving to the burbs. Not too far away as I need my specialists and facilities and most importantly MY SUPPORT NETWORK, and of course the kids school and friends. As life is hard for them when I am bad and cannot play with them or take them places, they need the stability and security of having friends around them, that are also willing to take them off for sleepovers when I am in a bad way and hubby is overseas. One the one hand I long to be close enough to crawl to a shop or doctors surgery instead of the 30kms drive to even get a a carton of milk, and on the other hand I love my farm and my animals, all the plants I have planted and all the soil improvements I have done by hand. My dreams are all here, yet I cannot tend to the land or the animals alone any more and I cannot plant plants anymore. So I know that the right decision is to release the land to someone who will use it properly again, as arrable land is as precious as gold in these days of endangered food supply chains.
This is the cost of my spine, it is taking some of my dreams away, it is placing strains on my poor hard working hubby who doesn't get a break for 5 mins because he is supporting this very expensive spine. I am angry about what it has taken from us, but at the same time I feel blessed to have had this lifestyle and how it enriched us all and blessed as well that I have a choice. And, that we can get back to not living day by day waiting for something to bounce, and having a smaller place that I can manage. Maybe this will give me a little more independance again, moving to a more manageable lifestyle. One thing I know is a new phase is coming for us, not in a hurry, but it is slowly coming for us, and our lives continue to evolve and I continue to find ways to live and manage with the hand I have been dealt, and I will continue to do it with gratitude as things could be worse. We have one another and we are a family that is in love, and our home is where we are, not what I see around me everyday, though I will miss the view I love - over the rolling paddocks. Everyday I look out my kitchen window and marvel at how beautiful it is and how much I love it here, I have NEVER once got bored of this view. But I will carry that with me to where ever I go. It is one of my beautiful moments of my life captured forever in my memory.
As the sun rises and pushes its fingers through the trees over the grass and the steam rises from the earth. Heaven.
I have found that there is a whole other side to illness that doesn't seem to come up. The crippling financial strain. It costs so much money to be ill. Doctors, medicines, more medicines, changes in medicines, specialists, scans. The having to pay someone to clean for you each week, pay someone to do your ironig each week, not being able to grow your own food, paying for all kinds of treatments, trying anything a few times out of desperation to be cured and the worst thing - the loss of your wage. I have been unable to work now for 1 year and 2 months and I am not going to be going back to work either for a very long time still.
This means that tonight we have had to talk about selling our farm and moving to the burbs. Not too far away as I need my specialists and facilities and most importantly MY SUPPORT NETWORK, and of course the kids school and friends. As life is hard for them when I am bad and cannot play with them or take them places, they need the stability and security of having friends around them, that are also willing to take them off for sleepovers when I am in a bad way and hubby is overseas. One the one hand I long to be close enough to crawl to a shop or doctors surgery instead of the 30kms drive to even get a a carton of milk, and on the other hand I love my farm and my animals, all the plants I have planted and all the soil improvements I have done by hand. My dreams are all here, yet I cannot tend to the land or the animals alone any more and I cannot plant plants anymore. So I know that the right decision is to release the land to someone who will use it properly again, as arrable land is as precious as gold in these days of endangered food supply chains.
This is the cost of my spine, it is taking some of my dreams away, it is placing strains on my poor hard working hubby who doesn't get a break for 5 mins because he is supporting this very expensive spine. I am angry about what it has taken from us, but at the same time I feel blessed to have had this lifestyle and how it enriched us all and blessed as well that I have a choice. And, that we can get back to not living day by day waiting for something to bounce, and having a smaller place that I can manage. Maybe this will give me a little more independance again, moving to a more manageable lifestyle. One thing I know is a new phase is coming for us, not in a hurry, but it is slowly coming for us, and our lives continue to evolve and I continue to find ways to live and manage with the hand I have been dealt, and I will continue to do it with gratitude as things could be worse. We have one another and we are a family that is in love, and our home is where we are, not what I see around me everyday, though I will miss the view I love - over the rolling paddocks. Everyday I look out my kitchen window and marvel at how beautiful it is and how much I love it here, I have NEVER once got bored of this view. But I will carry that with me to where ever I go. It is one of my beautiful moments of my life captured forever in my memory.
As the sun rises and pushes its fingers through the trees over the grass and the steam rises from the earth. Heaven.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
One unthinking movement
I was doing so well today. I got stuff done, I was in a ahppy mood. I didn't have to be anywhere. it was a lovely lazy weekend day. I was pain free, not even a niggle. It was fantastic.
I got to 5pm and then a natural reaction was to bend to pick something up. Usually I have a constant niggle or a constant pain, so I would not dream to bend over. I always move my body in a way that I think about every move I make, because pain is usually my constant guide and companion. It was sort of great to be so natural in bending over, but the second I did it, I felt the twange and thought - "why the bloody hell did you just bend over like that you idiot", but it was too late. I had twanged and was instantly worried and depressed about what the next few days or months might hold just from one silly move.
I went straight to bed to rest it, I put my brace on for the rest of the evening when I was moving about and I moved slowly and more thoughtfully (like I usually do) and I have done my exercises and stretches etc and so far I think I am okay. I am annoyed at myself for being so silly and ruining a perfect day. I seem to spend alot of my time annoyed at myself since i have these injuries.
But I am feeling okay and to make sure I am having a hot bath tonight and I will pray I sleep well and when I wake in the morning I am praying I will not be paying for my lapse of attention.
I miss the days I did not need to think about the way I moved. That I could move abundantly and without care at any speed, that I could curl up on the sofa, not sit up propped with pillows with supports etc. But at the same time I can also appreciate how sometimes the pain is actually keeping me safe, but reminding me I have to care about the way I move. I cannot throw my body around with abandon anymore I have to care and nuture it all the time.
I have been at the bottom of the pile for care and nuturing for so long, which I think just comes naturally when you turn into a parent. But it is nice to have to put me first sometimes and really nice to be on an equal footing with the rest of the family. We all need to care for ourselves and nuture ourselves, just as much as we do one another.
That is a lesson I am learning everyday. That and patience, which has never been my thing.
I got to 5pm and then a natural reaction was to bend to pick something up. Usually I have a constant niggle or a constant pain, so I would not dream to bend over. I always move my body in a way that I think about every move I make, because pain is usually my constant guide and companion. It was sort of great to be so natural in bending over, but the second I did it, I felt the twange and thought - "why the bloody hell did you just bend over like that you idiot", but it was too late. I had twanged and was instantly worried and depressed about what the next few days or months might hold just from one silly move.
I went straight to bed to rest it, I put my brace on for the rest of the evening when I was moving about and I moved slowly and more thoughtfully (like I usually do) and I have done my exercises and stretches etc and so far I think I am okay. I am annoyed at myself for being so silly and ruining a perfect day. I seem to spend alot of my time annoyed at myself since i have these injuries.
But I am feeling okay and to make sure I am having a hot bath tonight and I will pray I sleep well and when I wake in the morning I am praying I will not be paying for my lapse of attention.
I miss the days I did not need to think about the way I moved. That I could move abundantly and without care at any speed, that I could curl up on the sofa, not sit up propped with pillows with supports etc. But at the same time I can also appreciate how sometimes the pain is actually keeping me safe, but reminding me I have to care about the way I move. I cannot throw my body around with abandon anymore I have to care and nuture it all the time.
I have been at the bottom of the pile for care and nuturing for so long, which I think just comes naturally when you turn into a parent. But it is nice to have to put me first sometimes and really nice to be on an equal footing with the rest of the family. We all need to care for ourselves and nuture ourselves, just as much as we do one another.
That is a lesson I am learning everyday. That and patience, which has never been my thing.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Doing well
I continue to do well. I am having less and less pain. I did the usual mistake I make and thought I am feeling good so I will start to cut down my meds. Of course the next day I was hobbling around. I never learn, once you have got yourself to a manageble state it does not mean you are well, it means that the dosage of the meds has been reached and so you can live comfortably. But I HATE meds and I desperately want to get off them.
I saw my Doctor yesterday and when I asked what longterm solution was availbale to me, she gave me another prescription for a much harsher pain killer and said start on these on small doses and when you have been on them for about a month we will up to the normal dosage.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - this is NOT what I want to do at all. I dutifully brought the meds home with no intention of starting them until I am in enough pain to make me.
MY long term strategy is to build up my muscles, do stretching exercises and relaxation (ie meditation) and see if I can help myself.
I am booked into a special back class for the next 8 weeks with my physio and I am seeing an accupuncturist to help me with the pain. Both I which I find helps alot, but I am looking for a cure, I am looking to feel "normal" again. As far as I am concerned I am only half way through my life, I don't want to spend the next 40+ years in pain and limited and I am going to try everything I can to help myself. I know your body cannot heal when in pain, so I am using medication to keep the pain at bay whilst I concentrate on getting strong. I have the full intention of being well and pain free by the end of the year. I think I can do it, I am hoping my mind is also managing to convince my body that this is true too.
My husband is finally home for the weekend only and then off he goes again, but I am going to use this weekend to take a bit of a rest and recover again, before going back into lone parent and lone farmer mode all over again.
Can't wait for the weekend! Can't wait to have my hubby home for a chat and a cuddle. Just to have some support around and it is not just me holding the fort makes such a difference. I admire any single parent out there that is shouldering the burdens of raising a family alone, especially if they are sick too.
I saw my Doctor yesterday and when I asked what longterm solution was availbale to me, she gave me another prescription for a much harsher pain killer and said start on these on small doses and when you have been on them for about a month we will up to the normal dosage.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - this is NOT what I want to do at all. I dutifully brought the meds home with no intention of starting them until I am in enough pain to make me.
MY long term strategy is to build up my muscles, do stretching exercises and relaxation (ie meditation) and see if I can help myself.
I am booked into a special back class for the next 8 weeks with my physio and I am seeing an accupuncturist to help me with the pain. Both I which I find helps alot, but I am looking for a cure, I am looking to feel "normal" again. As far as I am concerned I am only half way through my life, I don't want to spend the next 40+ years in pain and limited and I am going to try everything I can to help myself. I know your body cannot heal when in pain, so I am using medication to keep the pain at bay whilst I concentrate on getting strong. I have the full intention of being well and pain free by the end of the year. I think I can do it, I am hoping my mind is also managing to convince my body that this is true too.
My husband is finally home for the weekend only and then off he goes again, but I am going to use this weekend to take a bit of a rest and recover again, before going back into lone parent and lone farmer mode all over again.
Can't wait for the weekend! Can't wait to have my hubby home for a chat and a cuddle. Just to have some support around and it is not just me holding the fort makes such a difference. I admire any single parent out there that is shouldering the burdens of raising a family alone, especially if they are sick too.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I recognised myself again
Well I had 4 days pain free all in a row. It was AMAZING. I actually recognised myself, or who I am when I am not in pain. I was able to deal with the kids without yelling at them, I did not plan my day around getting home as soon as possible incase I got the stage where I don't think I can support myself for 1 minute longer.
I cannot tell you how heavenly those few days have been and what a relief to know that "I" am still in there under the mask of pain and limitation. It has given me such a boost to my morale and ability to cope.
I have regressed to pain again today, but that is okay. I know that I can have pain free days again. It was just sooooo nice to be me, I actually like me and think I should be able to keep it up for a little while longer until I am ground down again to becoming the grump in the bed with zero tollerance and no sense of humour.
I did also get a great book by Paul McKenna that I think I mentioned before. That has also helped me to change my focus a little and to think from a different angle and become happier in myself. We have soooo many stresses going on in our lives at the moment, that it is a miracle I have been able to think positively at all. Seeing as my body is not willing to be trained to do what I want again, I can at least work on training my mind to keep me going forward.
Anyway I am going to take it easy tonight, get to bed early after a hot bath and PRAY that tomorrow I can be given the gift of another pain free day. I even got myself a girlie movie to watch tonight so I can relax.
I am watching Eat Pray Love. I saw it at the movies when it came out with my girlfriends and loved it. I am one of the very FEW people that seemed to have loved the book and the movie. My husband keeps telling me I am almost completely alone in the world for appreciating it and that all the reviews talked of a self absorbed and depressing overly emotional female writing her personal crap and then Julia Roberts is a naff actress in a naff film. But I did not find it depressing at all, I found it liberating and wish soooo much that I could also be as self absorbed enough to just get up and go travelling like she did to get the crap out of her system. If only I could be sure a year of travelling around could take away my pain, I would be the happiest person in the world. I have to admit that I like Julia Roberts too, I think I might be alone in that too.
I would go to Mongolia, Cuba, Bolivia and Italy. I lived in Rome for 4 years when I was a teenager and I don't think I could ever get bored of Italy it is so beautiful.
I continue to hope and dream. I am determined to not loose "me" again and to get myself to a point where the possibility of travel could become a reality for me.
On another positive point I lost 3kgs this month just from walking and swimming everyday. Amazing what exercise can do for you. I actually have a waist again - yeay!!!
I cannot tell you how heavenly those few days have been and what a relief to know that "I" am still in there under the mask of pain and limitation. It has given me such a boost to my morale and ability to cope.
I have regressed to pain again today, but that is okay. I know that I can have pain free days again. It was just sooooo nice to be me, I actually like me and think I should be able to keep it up for a little while longer until I am ground down again to becoming the grump in the bed with zero tollerance and no sense of humour.
I did also get a great book by Paul McKenna that I think I mentioned before. That has also helped me to change my focus a little and to think from a different angle and become happier in myself. We have soooo many stresses going on in our lives at the moment, that it is a miracle I have been able to think positively at all. Seeing as my body is not willing to be trained to do what I want again, I can at least work on training my mind to keep me going forward.
Anyway I am going to take it easy tonight, get to bed early after a hot bath and PRAY that tomorrow I can be given the gift of another pain free day. I even got myself a girlie movie to watch tonight so I can relax.
I am watching Eat Pray Love. I saw it at the movies when it came out with my girlfriends and loved it. I am one of the very FEW people that seemed to have loved the book and the movie. My husband keeps telling me I am almost completely alone in the world for appreciating it and that all the reviews talked of a self absorbed and depressing overly emotional female writing her personal crap and then Julia Roberts is a naff actress in a naff film. But I did not find it depressing at all, I found it liberating and wish soooo much that I could also be as self absorbed enough to just get up and go travelling like she did to get the crap out of her system. If only I could be sure a year of travelling around could take away my pain, I would be the happiest person in the world. I have to admit that I like Julia Roberts too, I think I might be alone in that too.
I would go to Mongolia, Cuba, Bolivia and Italy. I lived in Rome for 4 years when I was a teenager and I don't think I could ever get bored of Italy it is so beautiful.
I continue to hope and dream. I am determined to not loose "me" again and to get myself to a point where the possibility of travel could become a reality for me.
On another positive point I lost 3kgs this month just from walking and swimming everyday. Amazing what exercise can do for you. I actually have a waist again - yeay!!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Euphoria
Have had a pain free day!
After my cortisone jabs I had a very bad run with not a lot of relief and was beginning to despair that it was not going to work. But after my physio told me to lay off the exercise regime for a day I did and have been enjoying a day with little to no pain. I cannot even begin to describe the joy of this. For 1 day to feel "normal". So now I am going to do my stretches daily, my swimming alternate days with hopefully a walk on the other days and rotate my strenght building exercises every day and see if I get more relief this way. I even stood in my kitchen all evening and cooked - heaven.
Very happy today and so grateful for a reprieve from pain.
After my cortisone jabs I had a very bad run with not a lot of relief and was beginning to despair that it was not going to work. But after my physio told me to lay off the exercise regime for a day I did and have been enjoying a day with little to no pain. I cannot even begin to describe the joy of this. For 1 day to feel "normal". So now I am going to do my stretches daily, my swimming alternate days with hopefully a walk on the other days and rotate my strenght building exercises every day and see if I get more relief this way. I even stood in my kitchen all evening and cooked - heaven.
Very happy today and so grateful for a reprieve from pain.
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